Ladies, ladies, ladies : ). For years I have heard you speak of your desire to be the best woman you can be. I have listened to you express your frustrations on understanding what it is you need to do for yourselves to have better and more fulfilling relationships. Today I want to help you move in a better direction so LISTEN UP!! : ) Thatโs right, Iโm talking to you. There are some things many of you need to stop doing if you plan to make your dream of a better you, a reality. As I walk with you on this journey, IU want to encourage you to not get defensive and do not start blaming men or anyone else as to why you do what you do. Just take a deep breath and read closely.
1. Stop mixing sex with love
How many more horror stories of traumatized women, hurt feelings, and failed missions do you need to hear about or witness before you stop equating love and sex. Most men don’t do this, so why keep using sex to try to get him, keep him, or justify his existence in your life. This has not worked well at all and it is time to fully accept this fact and stop self inflicting all this damage to your hearts and feelings. I understand sex is also an emotional thing for a woman. I am in no way asking you to separate your emotions if youโre unable to. Iโm saying stop getting it all mixed up. Donโt tell me you canโt tell the difference or youโre confused. NO, you are smarter than that and you know exactly what is going on, but instead you choose to do the next thing on this list that has contributed to your heartโs demise.
2. Stop lying to yourself
Women I know the truth. You ladies are sharp and pay attention to much more detail than most men. You are very smart and very aware of your emotions. Youโre always thinking and processing so youโre much better prepared for what is thrown at you because you typically think ahead. So why must you continue this pattern of lying to yourself to justify actions you know are wrong. I am not saying there are not many men that do the same, but I am not talking to the men right now, I want you to focus on you. I can give you all kinds of examples of lies you tell yourself but I will save that for another post dedicated to just that. Either way I donโt really have to tell you because you know. You may lie to your friends, family, that guy, and yourself. No matter how much you do it, you still know the truth, and you need to accept it for what it is. You arenโt doing yourself any favors, and when it all hits the fan, you donโt have anybody to blame but yourself. Embrace the truth, it may hurt, and it may not be what you think you want, but it is exactly what you need.
3. Stop letting fear consume you
Thatโs right, stop operating from fear so much. What you call protecting yourself, I call it fear. What you call playing it safe, I call it fear. What you call gold digging, I call a very smart business move : ). That was a joke, please donโt take that seriously. Anyway, I really feel that many women far too often make decisions based on the fear of being hurt. Women also sometimes try to disguise the fear and call it love. For example, you are afraid to leave a man because you donโt want to be alone, so what do you do, out of that fear you lie to yourself and others and claim you love him to validate staying. That is just one example. What these women have to realize is that operating from fear is only making things worse for you in the long run. You need to get to a point where you can operate out of faith, and trust you will put yourself in a much better position.
There is so much more I want to say. If this wasnโt a blog post I would get much deeper into this and really get at the root of the issues. You can gain further insight on this by checking out my book God Where Is My Boaz. These issues not only affect single women, ย this applies to many women in relationships as well. I also understand that men have plenty they need to stop doing, and you can check out the link below for that. I just want the women reading this to take heed to the message. Many of you may not be dealing with these specific issues, but if you are it is time to take a stand and make the necessary corrections. You know what you have been doing so far isnโt really working for you, so why keep doing it. It is time to break the cycle and start moving towards a better you which will help also open the door to receiving the right person for you.
Get your copy of my bestselling bookย God Where Is My Boaz:ย a womanโs guide to understanding what is hindering her from receiving the love and relationship she deserves โย onย ย Kindle,ย Paperback, orย Audio Bookย formatย .ย You can also get the PDF version HEREย ย
Related Article: 3 Things Single Men Need To Start Doing TODAY!
74 thoughts on “3 Things Single Women Need to Stop Doing Today!”
You said 3 things single womenย need to START doing today. Then you talked about 3 things we need to STOP doing today!
You said 3 things single womenย need to START doing today. Then you sayย 3 things we need to STOP doing today!ย Just kidding. You are exactly right! Thanks! GREAT Post!
lol you got me and are so correct. I should of worded the title better : ) thank you for pointing that out
Not sure this is only for single women! I think a lot of this can also apply to women in abusive relationships or just bad relationships.
You are right, it can apply to those women as well.ย
Good points.ย I will state it can all be wrapped up with:ย women (all women) need to Love themselves first.ย When we do, the rest falls into place.ย We no longer confuse sex for love because we are confident and have discernment.ย We don’t lie to ourselves (thinking your talking about what we can improve on) because we recognize the good, the bad and the ugly and strive to meet our goals accordingly.ย We aren’t scared because fear is not of the Lord.ย Our faith allows us to know that no matter what happens, we are capable of getting through it.
With this said, it takes some women a long time to evolve to this point because so many women are ‘pleasers’. ย Not to mention the pain they may have endured thinking they were loving and being loved when in fact, they were taken advantage of or hurt or simply trying too hard. ย It is not until their relationship with God is so close that they understand their own worth that women are capable of being all they were meant to be.ย Thus– loving themselves which allows all 3 of your points to fall in place.
Very well put Lisa I have to agree : )
As a woman, I was at first a bit antsy about your words however I must admit they held truth. What I like is that I now see I no longer operate from a place of fear…good for me! Good luck with your book!
Well thank you very much Pam and I am happy to hear that you have conquered operating out of fear. Keep it up and let the blessings flow : )
Welp, you’ve covered it. Encouraged a friend on #1 and #2 and she became offensive.
Sometimes the truth hurts. As long as you didn’t deliver it poorly then you did the right thing by being honest with her. She may not realize it now, but in time she may finally understand.
Well said. I concur with all points made.ย
deffinatly alot of truth in what is posted here. And it is true for even women in relationships you have to care about yourself and love yourself first before you can be with anyone else. Nice post by the way!
Very true, this can apply to single women or women in relationships. Loving yourself and understanding your worth is definitely important. Thank you very much : )
I can be honest and say I love it everything u said is absolutely true it connects to so many things that I personally have done or experienced like putting sex with love it totally will make a lady go crazy and things can go down hill but we hurt ourselves knowing from the jump what’s going to happen especially if u like the guy from the beginning need to be clear from the start before u jump in the bed with him so u don’t get the wrong impressions. Also the part as to being scared is true not wanting to leave that person cause of being alone or afraid having to do things by yourself is to difficult I experienced that as well being in a abusive relationship but women should stop underestimating themselves we are strong women god created us everything that we look for in a man we need to find it in ourselves first.
I totally agree with each 3 points. We ladies who are single must strive to increaseย ourselves, let go of baggage, submit to positive change.. allow ourselves foremost to love ourselves wish will pour into the right man at the right timing. Great Post..Two Thumbs Up..B Well…Sid ๐ย
Thank you and everything you just said was on point. I hope more women adopt that mentality
This part is funny.” I am not saying men donโt do this to, but I am not talking to the men so focus woman!”..but Im taking it very seriously..This part: “you are afraid to leave a man because you donโt want to be alone”. Being alone is underrated. Some of us women need to be alone to get ourselves together so that we can figure out what we want and dont want in our life..Yess women move forward. Break out of those shells. Dr. Love is trying to help USย be a better US…:-)~SMILE~
Man you keepen it real love you!
Definitely lovely ideas!! Yes, I am appreciating these things bcoz I have found all that means desire to have better and more fulfilling relationships. Keep it up!
Wow Stephen! ย I cannot wait for your book. ย But until then I will continue to read your blog. ย I just discovered you today and you have already been a confirming God-send. ย I appreciate your wisdom and obedience (to share it). This article was on point and I found myself all up in number 2 on a recent relationship. ย We do need to give ourselves more credit in the area of discernment and stop making excuses for other peoples behavior. ย As Iyanla so eloquently spoke it, “when people show you who they are, believe them.” I’m out.
Thank you Sisterpromise : ) and I’m glad you have found my articles helpful. I do have a book out currently but I am working on my second release. You can always check out the book section of my site…Women definitely have to trust their discernment more. They always are quick to highly of women’s intuition, but not as quick to trust it when it is revealing something they do not like.
In my experience, both genders can benefit from this advice.
As a woman having stumbled across this blog (my husband actually found it and consequently read it out in disbelief) perhaps you will value some feedback on how I have recieved your words.ย To begin with, your tone is patronising to the uttermost as you generalise and stereotype half of the human race.
What I would like to adresss is the subtle suggestion that whilst us women ‘are clever’ we are apparently so nonsensical we areย unable to be self aware or congruent enough to ‘stop lying to ourselves’.ย There is your sickening suggestion that the female tendecy to want to protect ourselves is somehow inapproapriate. If your were sensitive or had done your research you would maybe have a clearer understanding of the shear volume of sexual harrassment/assaults that occur daily. Forย you to arrogantly suggest that it is a problem that we are ‘too scared’ isย almost beyond comprehension.
ย On a related note; there are some of us who are not wholly concerned with whether or not we are ‘on ourย own’…not every woman needs a man. For anything.ย ย Likewise, the basic urge to protect yourself (regardless of sex) when in a relationship is natural and essential in the early stages, I propose that the man that is with the womanย who is concerned about her emotional safety needs to sit back, listen to her and think about where that comes from.
Lastly, your insulting remarks about the female incapacity to process the difference between sex and love is proposturous. Some PEOPLE may have different beliefs about the connection between these two which, in my experience, is the main problem when it comes to relational and sexual issues between a couple. You have insinuated that women as a gender cannot clearly define their needs nor understand them.
I have, in the spirit of fairness, taken the time to read your similar blog entry aimed at men and found myself equally incensed with your cliched and frankly, clumsy advice.ย Not every man is too proud, not every man is unclear about their intentions and many men take the time to understand the women they know. Not understand women in general (because we are all different).
In conclusion I have been offended by your poor conceptualising of relational problems and therefore your advice is not only null and void but it is simply unhelpful.ย Your dichotomous and diluted description of gender and gender roles is especially disheartening.
Thank you Abbie for your feedback. I apologize if my article(s) have offended you. This is not my intention. I do not believe that anything I speak applies to all and I do not mean to write anything on this blog as a generalization of all men or all women. I do believe that it applies to more than some of us want to believe or accept but again in no way does it apply to all. I am not saying a desire to protect yourself is inappropriate. What I am saying is using lies to do it is in my opinion not the best approach. You can create bigger issues when you take that route even if you don’t realize it yet. I also spoke more from the angle of trying to protect yourself emotionally. I understand I did not convey that effectively so I see why you did not receive it that way. As for your issue with me stating women are “too scared”. I am one who believes it is better to operate from a place of faith not fear. That does not mean you are not aware of what may harm you or not be in your best interest. But if you are consumed with and make decisions based on fear/negative emotions then I believe you will likely receive many negative results in relationships. It becomes easier to take a more positive approach when you are filled with faith and love…You stated “I propose that the man that is with the womanย who is concerned about her emotional safety needs to sit back, listen to her and think about where that comes from.”ย and I 100% agree. That may not come across in this specific article but if you were to browse my site or my book, you would find that I completely support this. My statement about confusing sex and love is not geared to all women, but to the women that indeed have this issue. It happens a great deal, for many different reasons. I do not believe a woman is incapable, but many women do struggle with this issue. I do genuinely appreciate your willingness to read the male version of this blog entry. As I stated with this article, it is not meant to generalize all men. It is meant to speak to the men that indeed do the things I listed and have yet to accept that this behavior can be damaging and not the most effective approach to relationships. I recognize there are men and women that do none of these things. My goal is to help those that are struggling with these specific issues and may not have recognized what some of these issues are. I thank you again for your feedback and for reading those two articles.ย ย ย
Thanks for this article, I am newly single young womanย and I amย not looking for love. But I do have a strong desire for sex and I am not sure if I can separate the two. I am contemplating calling an ex for sex because I normally dont add to my body count because I am afraid of having sex with people I havent known for a while. I may have feelings for this guy I dont know but I need sex like a man does right now and I dont know what to do.(toys are not working) I am not a whore by a long shot but I think I have reached my sexual peak or something. I am in my twenties. I dont want my ex to think that I want a relationship either even though I may have feelings for him once we have sex. We dated like 8 years ago and we always keep in touch. I have been in a relationship since I was 14 I never be alone so being single is scary to me. I always had access to sex even if I really didnt want to have it. I need your advice or should I try looking for one of those AA thingysย for sex. I know I’m not crazy or anything but I am really horny and about to bust a blood vessel. Please tell me what to do I recently turned to God to pray these feelings away but I still have these strong desires to have sex and I really cant wait for a relationship because I have a six month rule that I wont break. I need your advice PLEEAASSSSEEE!!!!
The statement that really caught my eye was: “I have been in a relationship since I was 14 I never be alone so being single is scary to me. I always had access to sex even if I really didnt want to have it.” I honestly feel there are deeper things at play here. This doesn’t seem ย to simply be about sexual peaks and being horny. I want you to email me at advice@stephanspeaks.com so we can discuss this further. I understand this is a struggle for you but you can and will overcome it.ย
Thanks but let me rephrase that statement I have been in relationship since I was 14 but active at 16 dating the ex I’m referring to forย four years.ย Sex wasย readily availble even if I wasn’t horny or anything. Not to say I was having unwanted sex since I was 14 everything Iย did was out of love I had for someone I thoughtย I would marry. Iย never had a one night stand and most women I know have. I am really just horny with no man. Looking for to more of your advice…ย ย
Amen to.that!! Thank you so much! You’re delivery is so awesome : )
*your
Good blog. I agree with everything you wrote and that is why I made some changes. I was dating this guy for 4 months and all he wanted was sex. That will be the only time I would hear from him (once a month), a text here and there and that's all. I knew I was better then just him calling for sex. I text him to say I respect myself and I am not the woman you just call for sex. By reading your blogs I am continue to learn about dating again and myself.
I agree, I really needed this
My, my, my these are definitely some great tips and so true… Love what you had to say especially about "quit lying to yourself" and "stop letting fear consume you". Going through that stage in my life where I'm learning so much about myself and being completely honest in the process. Sometimes you try to mask things to feel okay telling yourself that you're okay but in actuality it was more damaging than anything.
I feel in my opinion,I do not want a relationship with a man. I am not afraid,I simply just detest some of them. I have children I do need to protect. I do not have time for anyone to play daddy,nor just hit and split. I do like the company of a guy,but don't need it. I'm not scared to be alone because I have been for the past 5 years.
So true!!
yes it hurt mixing sex and love i need both the same time how can keep all togetter
I agree ,verry true..
I was need this thank U for u words stephan labossiere!!!
True!!!! :)<><<3
Great info. Working on a be
Wow this is absolutely true…it took me years to understand this…I had to learn on my own…after getting over lying to myself..I’ve let fear hold me back….anytime things seem to progress I run out of fear…great article…process to positive progress
Thanks I needed this only thing is I have a husband but it's like I'm single
I agree, and until I make myself happy I will be single.
Once you stop lying to yourself and accept the truth, you may realize that you don’t even like the person, much less love him. You may have fallen in love with the idea of being in love or what you could have with this person, completely ignoring the reality that is staring you in the face. You are absolutely right about placing blame. If you blame the guy, you are only going to make the mistake with the next guy.
Dude talking to the ladies because he also knows that men don't buy or read this stuff ๐ Smart move dude. You will ALWAYS be a best seller if you keep writing to the ladies. Most of these guys aren't in serious relationships,
Absolutely on point โกโฅโก
i neede to hear that because i was doing all that but not now i finally saw the light and woke up and realized im better than that thank u
All my single ladies take heed of wisdom
I feel you but you are not created that way and 'detest' is a strong word that implies underlying issues you need to still heal to be whole. Open up your heart to the healing of YOU.
Lailasmd@gmail.com
That's the right attitude because he had put you in the 'friend with benefits' category. You are worth more
I believe you have to separate the two. Love is an innate feeling that come from within you. Do you love yourself? You need to discover that and that's when you can receive love also. Sex is a biological function..It enhances the relationship that is deep and true but it becomes just lost without love. You need to know what you want
So on point… I really enjoy ur point of views…. It really helps me to reevaluate my decisions.. I really ment a nice man but fear makes me pull back from opening myself up.. My divorce was very painful for me.. I'm trying to tear these walls down and it's not easy… I really want to give him a chance and myself too… I don't want to chase him away.. Pray for me..
Awesome I have all of that down packed! It's just the guy I was engaged to he had these issue's and they are abandonement issue' she asked me. Is there something wrong with always wanting females around I said no. But in my case being alone is the best way to be in this world. With the one's you love the most! And I can be that good woman for you. But u will Noooottttttt sell myself short and you will not make another woman feel like she's superior to me cause I am that!!!!! I'am your strenght when you have none that's what a team does.
such a blessing
Thanks a million I felt like you were talking to me.
Can I ask a question? I have cared for some good, decent, men along the way, however, instead of telling them, I introduced them to a girlfriend instead, sadly. Why, would I do this??
Love this!!!!
women and men should follow God's law and these problems would not plague them…
cool guy!
Thank you Stephan!
Thank you for all this wonderful advise, I really never saw things this way about the things I was doing wrong all this time, thank you again God bless
I have learned, and I am correcting the cycle. Trying to build trust, so that I can live and have fun and move forward.
Well I can relate with #3 very well. I started that way 5 years ago and then opened myself up. I have met many men. have gone on plenty of 1st dates and have not met anyone compatible with me! My last 3 and only relationships I have been in, is why they ended, future dream were not the same I’m finding it almost impossible to meet anyone that has at least some of the same interests that I do, and the more time goes by, it’s becoming more difficult to meet someone worthy. I have met plenty of men in their 20’s or much older! The men my age are dating younger and no, I’m not dating a man my father’s age! Now what does a women do when she is putting herself out there and nothing?!
I love the way words just hit home for me. It's like I've been walking around in a fog then I read a post and I start seeing a bit more clearly
I’m sorry, but the “older” I get, the more I realize that men let things bother them a LOT more than women. BUT, women are faster to commit to something that may/may not be right for them…. All that said, I am beginning to be that girl that seriously doubts men in general. Everyone says: Just do this, or Just do that, or Just think like this, or Just be patient………REALLY???? OK, so instead of driving myself insane with what I either am/am not doing, thinking or saying, I just want to stay in my house ALONE….when did dating/meeting someone become such a GAME??? I miss the old days where you could just have a conversation with a man or woman, and if you like them, fine, you go out….if not, then no harm done….now, it’s “let’s see who we can hurt the worst” before it’s all over with…..no thanks. I think I’ll just wait on God to slam the two of us together, IF it’s in HIS will that I’m happy in that way. Have to admit…it’s lonely here at the bottom of the pile though….ugh…just digging in the dirt, playing with the animals, and maybe one day I’ll be “good enough” for someone to spend time with. I do believe he’s stuck in a tree somewhere though……..
You’re not the only one!
Mr.know it all…can't stand these types of authors.
I’m a very straight forward person, I usually state to a potential everything’s that’s expected and they usually respect that and we move forward. Or so I thought it lasts maybe week and they start to slack and I address it, only to be lied to so more and they just completely withdraw, so I just chalk it up to immaturity. I just don’t understand why try to string me along, when I made everything clear at the beginning, they knew what they getting their into and still played mind games.
Hmmm when most women fall for a guy, she stops using her brains. her neurons stop talking I swear. She could logically tell a friend who is in the exact same situation aka fuckship that her guy is not into her, but she can’t see that she, herself is being played. Cognitive dissonance may echo, people may warn, or laugh at them and nothing will click until they feel used and are left by the wayside by the man. So, saying women are smarter, hmmm, not when it comes to love.
God bless you and Thank you for truth!
… and there you have it!!! ๐
… and there you have it!!! ๐
Wow, u speak an extraordinary truth.
Number one, stop being so very nasty to us Good men. Number two, get rid of the Attitude Problem. Number three, try to act like a real lady for a change.