To start this off there is a quote I found online by Roger de Bussy-Rabutin which states “Absence is to love as wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small and kindles the great.” Let that marinate for a second. The topic of long distance relationships comes up all the time with people seeking advice and guidance. Is it a smart move? Can it really work? How should one approach entering into a long distance relationship? There are so many angles to discuss but today I’m just going to give a general overview on how I see long distance relationships.
In my opinion I am not a big fan of entertaining a long distance relationship. I feel people already struggle plenty with same city relationships and adding the distance just puts a strain that most can’t truly handle. This doesn’t mean that it can’t work. There is plenty one can do to increase their chances of success. If two people are truly committed to putting in the time and effort it requires then you can most definitely see that relationship do well and grow stronger. It is simply a lot to ask of each other especially if you have yet to establish a great connection/relationship with your partner. If two people already have poor communication then adding distance isn’t likely to help anything. If trust issues already exist then be prepared for that to possibly be multiplied by 10 when you are no longer living together in the same area. Any unresolved issues that exist may now be magnified if you decide to take that step. Which will likely lead to further damage of the relationship and it’s likely end at some point either during the long distance or after being back in the same area.
Now when people have been “together” for a while or have really laid down a great foundation for a relationship I feel this makes a huge difference. It still doesn’t make long distance relationships easy but it most certainly helps. They are in a much better position to remain on the same page and distance can create a stronger bond instead of more damage. People just have to be honest with themselves with the reality that they don’t have this foundation currently in their relationship. Some couples are just two people having sex and having fun. There is no genuine connection and they don’t likely stand a chance at being able to maintain a great relationship from afar. A person should also be honest with themselves about what their needs and desires are. Don’t attempt to hold on to someone when you know that physical intimacy is so important to you right now. You know that the distance will likely lead to you cheating so why take that risk. Don’t fool yourself into thinking it’s cool to entertain long distance relationships when you still operate from an “out of sight out of mind” mentality. Many people know they aren’t ready or committed to abiding by the “rules” of the relationship but use this as an opportunity to hold some level of control on their partner. Thinking that this will help keep them in their life for the long run. Understand that if you aren’t truly ready it may only guarantee you two will have no future together.
The quote at the beginning pretty much sums it all up. True love can be strengthened in the midst of long distance relationships. Everything else can simply be torn apart. There is nothing wrong with accepting the fact that your relationship isn’t strong enough yet to endure the long distance. I feel if you know deep inside you are not truly ready then just be friends. Instead of letting fear, selfishness, or dishonesty lead you into taking that step just take that time to build a great foundation (if there is truly one that can be built between you two in the first place). That way when you do come together again everything can be great and better equipped to handle any distance. If two people can’t even maintain a great friendship from long distance then what makes you think they will really do well in an actual committed relationship. Ultimately the choice is yours. Just understand what you’re truly going up against and if you’re really ready for that challenge.
32 thoughts on “Long Distance Relationships”
Thank you. I’m realizing it takes two to Tango and being the only one wanting to put in the effort isn’t going to work. I guess friendship will be the ultimate solution.
Good article, great information, I totally agree.
Thank you so much for this much needed article. I have been in a long distance relationship for the past year and a half. I must say it has not been easy. I feel like my life is on hold until we can come to a mutual decision about our living situation. I was recently on your page a few months back searching for an article on this very same topic. Today was like Christmas when I came on your page and saw this. After reading it, I felt like you wrote this directly to me. Thanks so much!!!
Because of technology, Long Distance Relationships are not as hard as they used to be.
hello stephan, while my girl wants us to take our long distance relationship to the next (mariage) level am of the opinion we need to spend some time together before making decisions am i wrong or ? any advice will be helpful
To make sure I understand this correctly. You two have always been long distance and she would like to get married but you feel you two need to first spend time living in the same area before taking that step?
My last relationship ended/is non existent because I moved out of state, and he also left the place we met to go back to his hometown. Long distance is tough but I truly believe it can work if both of the parties involved are making efforts to end the distance, especially if the foundation was built on the right terms.
I have to comment on this from both sides, For and Against. Being a vet, and (all those before me) us service-members have to deal with this separation at some point. The first time, it failed miserably. Even though I foresaw this, and tried to break it off before our duties caused the geographical separation, but she said no, lets make it work. I was 100% loyal, determined to make it work. Well, 3 months is all it lasted. This is why I wanted to break it off: She needed a man in her life, constantly. Add to that, a superfine, single mother going to Ft. Bragg… To all those unaware of bases heavy on combat arms: We play hard, but PLAY HARDER. Summing this episode, she’s all alone in a strange place, 2 daughters, and in a stressful job… But the disclaimer is we were required to separate. So, my point is: make sure you know each other, and each others needs.
Now, on the voluntary side, it might be a different story. I do know several couples that took jobs hours away, and work very hard long hours as attorneys. But they are ANXIOUS to see each other on weekends, and during the week when business allows. they do share their experiences about how they devour each other when they’re together. Their distance allows for them to focus on hobbies, physical fitness, etc. without having to stop to consider time with their spouse. Honeymoons weely. Not to say there aren’t challenges either.
Personally, I want my woman to pull up into the same driveway. I have had distant relationships, with some degree of success. I’m a very busy man, hobbies, children, entrepreneur, and so forth so they worked. But when the time comes to make you mine, we waking up together everyday and the nights alone are the exception, not the norm.
MOSES
Enjoyed the article it was much needed,thank you Stephen…
Im currently in a long distance relationship. (6 hours by car). We’re young, both juniors in college. There’s no chance of us living near each other agAin until one or both of us finishes school. Therefore, we have at the very least another year n a few months being long distance. Our main & really only issue is trust, but when were together everything is perfect. So there’s the background, now here’s my question… He hasn’t been in a relationship in 3 years & even though we tell each other I love you & act like we’re together, he doesn’t want to put the “girlfriend, boyfriend” title on it. It’s confusing cuz we act like we are, we say we’re in a relationship but he won’t use those words. Is it petty of me to be bothered by that?? He says he wants his next gf to be his last, meaning if we decide to take that step he wants it to be for the long haul. Although, he says he wants that with me anyway…so why not jus make it official?? I worry there is a different reason behind it.. & bottom line, I don’t want to get hurt… Could I be wasting my time could it work??
Hey I would like for you to send me this question by email so that I can answer it for you. Send it to advice@stephanspeaks.com. I’m trying to direct all questions to my email.
Just ended a long distance relationship. We were both on the east coast. Now I am toying with the idea of a relationship with a gentlemen on the west coast.
Long distance relationships are hard – but the key factor is communication communication communication. We were on different sides of the country and did the rotation of the 2.5 hour flight monthly – we would see each other every 4-5 weeks for a long weekend. We spoke on line daily and made an effort to ‘talk’ every evening for at least an hour – and we were honest with each other. Eventually after a year of the long distance travel one of us had to move – I chose to be the movee ….
But it was not a decision taken lightly, I left my secure employment of 13 years, my young adult chld who was studying and my friends and family to move across the country to live with someone full time – to share my space with him in his space.
I remember very wise words from a friend of mine at the time of moving – does anything about him irritate you .. I was silent for a long time because I couldn’t think of anything that really irritated me .. he then went onto to remind me – because if it irritates you now, it will be 1000 times worse when you are living together!
Luckily 4 years later – we are still going strong, very much in love and apart from the occasional difference of opinion – cohabiting in peace.
Age and maturity plays a big role in the success, but most importantly – COMMUNICATION is key!
Long distance. Dating a co worker…dating ur frnds ex. Dating ur best friend. Dating a married guy or married woman…BIG NO NOoooo. Big mistake.
Wow okay then.
In one now..msrried 24 yrs..dont do it. Been like this for 6 yrs. Worse thing ever
Omg I'm going through this now, thank you
this goes without saying…and depending on the expectations of each individual, so can the relationship.
I have been communicating with a gentleman who lives overseas for about 8 months now and we have a great friendship and have built that foundation for more to grow. We speak on the phone, online and on video chat also which makes communicating much more better than it used to be in the past. I think that we have a great future together because we have been very transparent with each other from the beginning and that makes for a great foundation of trust, friendship and closeness with each other.
I met my honey online. He lived in Ms. And I in Nc. We maintained a long distance relationship for a year before I moved to Ms. In 2011. Now we are happily married and have a beautiful son. Long distance can work. He is the man of my dreams!
Except for the best friend. I agree on all counts
Long distance sometimes works too. Though you often feel the loneliness sometimes and might start to wonder if actually you are in a r/ship. It all depends on tne partiesinvolved
Long distance relationship can work depending on the mentality and seriousness of both parties. In my book it is a big NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
i meet my fiance in the recruiting station because, he is a US Marine and i wanted to be a marine too, so he is christian and im too, before he left, we told each other how we feel about us being in a long distance reslationship and,,,, yes i wait for him almost a year now he is back, between letters, messages, late night calls and pitures we made it!! and now we gonna get married! is true when you love God first and put him first before anyone, everything gets easier and the mr. right or mrs. right comes in the right time!!! im just blessed!! <3
My boyfriend and I live 2 hours away from each other he asked me to marry him and I said yes but now it seems like everything is keeping us apart His family his work money I mean how are we ever gonna build when we see each other once a month now ? I don't know what to do ?
🙁 Saying a prayer for you two. If it's meant to be, it will work out.
I truly believe long Distance Relationship can work,i am in one for 5years,you just have to let God into it,be honest,communicate on a regular basic,pray about it and it will work amen.
What if he is married and having affair with one of there childhood friends. She knows he married but sleeping with him anyway. He travels to ATL to see acts like he visiting his brothers. He stop dating the woman he cheating on where he lives and started messing with a old friend. Remember he has a wife at home. What type of brother is this? I told her let him go he not even worth it. All his friends and family think he is a good guy.
makes perfect sense!
I am in long distance relationship now and my man is 6,000 miles away from me!